As the disease progresses in the minds of our loved ones, it becomes quite disheartening when they seem to forget us. It can be terrible to look your parent or spouse in the eyes, see the years you’ve shared together stretching back in your mind’s eye, and yet know when they look at you they see a stranger. Our natural reaction may be to take them by the shoulders and cry out to them “don’t you recognise me?!” It is often said that the opposite of love isn’t hate but rather apathy. In the same way while love ended through death is painful, feeling it slowly be forgotten can be agonising.
Knowing this, many family members neglect visiting loved ones once the disease has progressed to a certain point. Understandably it can be too difficult for many to sit in the room with someone and be called by a different name than their own. Many others will become frustrated and try to force remembrance; shouting and crying while the patient becomes more and more confused. In the end, many will decide it is for the best to rather stay away.
This can be detrimental to the patients mental health and can affect how quickly the disease progresses. As humans we are biologically wired to be part of a social group. Without regular interaction with other people, even those of us without dementia will begin to notice deterioration in our mental health. This is magnified in those with a degenerative disease. In many ways dementia is the loss of words and the ability to communicate, but it isn’t the loss of the need for connection. That remains even when the person isn’t able to recognise those around them.
As hard as this may be to believe, you have not been forgotten. Your loved one hasn’t completely forgotten you as a person even if they don’t recognise you. But trying to force the memory out is the wrong way to go about it. With a dementia patient it is far better to slowly lead them towards remembrance. If when you see them again they mistake you for someone else or don’t recognise you, just accept it for the moment and pretend they’re right. For now the most important thing is to maintain a calm, safe and comfortable environment. Gently break the ice by guiding them towards remembrance with things like telling stories, looking at old photos and letting them lead the conversation. Even if they don’t remember you in that moment, deep down they should remember you as someone they can be relaxed around.
Even if they don’t know your name by the end of your visit, you will have still spent a pleasant time with them. At the end of the day, remembering someone’s name isn’t nearly as important as making memories you can hold onto when the person is gone.
